lifelived

From close to our earliest settlement, when we first kept records here, around 1850ish  we have known and recorded deadly bushfires.  Drought, hot winds, plus searing temperatures are a recipe for disaster and we have lived with and do live with this threat.  But if you scan world news these fires happen everywhere.  California and Greece spring to mind.  But we tend to forget unless it is right in front of our face.

An envelope went around work today so we could each contribute to one of the appeals - so we could do something.   I emptied my purse and I know I was not the only one.   There is an overwhelming sense of shock and horror that hangs like a pall and none of us can think too long on this.  The sadness is tangible even though we have not met these faces that no more live or breathe.   Emotions of sadness and grief have taken hold of everyone.  It provides a bond with any face that carries the same look of horror and as a nation we mirror each other.  Each of these 180+ lives is part of us.  We all feel an element of guilt because we are alive and have our loved ones around.  Bickering and arguing over using too much hot water, or leaving a light on in your room is no longer a reason for annoyance.

Amid the horror stories are the stories of absolute heroism.  Your everyday person who couldn’t save his own home but who wandered around his town for 6 hours checking each and every house and helping one person after another find their way to safety.  Someone you wouldn’t think had that level of caring and courage in them. Someone you would catch holding up the bar at the local.

181 now dead. Confirmed.

Donations from around the country have topped $30million in funds and more than can be quantified in clothing, furniture and toys.    Most of this has come from people like me and you.  Everyone digs deep.  You see, it could be any of us.

In the morning paper, I glance at the faces noone will see smile again, young lives tragically cut off and look at my own petty annoyances and tell myself ( inside )to shut up and suck it up!!  You see, I have so much and I have this evening and tomorrow to look forward to.  These beautiful and loving and loved young ones will never see the years I have and that seems terribly cruel.

Each year as summer dies and heads north to visit those we know in the northern hemisphere, news of fires and threats disappear from the evening news and it is almost as if they never were.  Yet with so much human habitation and so much clearing it is likely we will see more of and hear of more fires and loss of precious life.  While things fade and quiet during the winter approaching, I doubt I will forget what we have seen and heard this summer.

One never knows what lies ahead or what is waiting around the next corner.

This also is so typical -  VICTIMS of the North Queensland’s devastating floods plan to hand over their aid cheques to the Victorian bushfire disaster appeal. Vast areas of state’s north remain inundated with almost 3000 homes damaged in the Ingham area alone, a legacy of ex-cyclone Ellie.

This tells you a little about the nature of we who live in this part of the world.

Just a little.

As I went to bed last night, ringing in my mind is the 85 people deathtoll from this latest fire season.  Likely to go up, they say with nearly all of the burns critical, and as volunteers go house to house….whole communities wiped out with not one house standing.

When we choose to live in and with the Australian bush, fires of this sort are a risk.  They happen every year despite the media acting like a bushfire raging through as a once in a lifetime disaster.  This happens every year.

With loss of life, humans get off better than this on most occasions, but the unique animals who live in the bush have a death toll noone keeps count of.

Those 85+ people - I wonder how many of them knew this Christmas last was their last ever Christmas?

I know when Canberra went up like a stack of dry tinder, there was an enquiry into the actions of the firefights.  Yet there was no loss of life there.  What will happen here?

Largely these guys and girls are drawn from the community and volunteer to fight these blazes.  They take leave from work, often without pay and lay their lives on the line for those at risk.  One such volunteer lost his wife and children in the last few days while he was off fighting the same fires.

Sobering thoughts but much on my mind as a riot of parrots screech into the morning overhead and I am only too aware of how easily it could be here, with the right conditions.

I have been reminded yet again to live this day as if it were my last.  You never know.

I did have fun.

The loungeroom is littered with a variety of 14 year old ( plus one 13 year old) bodies and largely they were immense fun.  They arrived in dribs and drabs and I just came home and went into a Maggie cooking frenzy.

They played music, did makeovers and consumed/inhaled vast quantities of food.  Chicken pasta, little meatballs…triple chocolate brownies….. They hardly touched the chips chocolate and jelly candy.

The heat built into the bricks meant that bedtime was torture for us all.It literally was just TOO hot and today will be worse, so they say.    And today is Newport Beach after breakfast with the next group who arrive in a couple of hours to meet up with this lot.

The kitchen is clean (I clean as I go).  I also prepared far too much food so have sufficient to drop into Tess and Erik’s maybe on Sunday as well.  I overcater.  Our bedroom looks like someone owns it,  Gen’s room looks like a bomb has hit it.  I am cross-legged on her bed base as the mattress is now living  on the loungeroom floor between the two leather lounges.  This is not a bad thing as our gift to Geni is a bedroom that is suited to her age and taste and have all sorts of things purchased and hidden to do this as a surprise prior to tomorrow morning.  I might send her for a walk this evening to get something from the shop and whip around and do it then?

Tony got somewhat Grumpy at 2am , so I went out and reminded the girls to be considerate.  The dvd was only screen at 25 volume.  (usually the screen is at 7).  Tony is not a nice bunny rabbit if he is tried and wants to sleep.

He flounces.

He sulks.

But look - it is morning already and he is sleeping.  And they are sleeping. My coffee tastes great.

I am still smiling about one conversation i had with a gaggle of lithe nubile young women discussing which was their favourite teletubby.   this is such a wonderful age where the outline of the woman is very visible but the child peeks out to play somewhat.

One of the girls who has stayed several times wandered in, kissed me on the cheek and said “Hi Mum, I am home!!”.  My heart twisted and I hugged her close.  This child lives with her father and her older brothers and rarely sees her mum.  He diet is shop bought/convenience and I suspect she loves to wander in here.  This child rang Geni at 10 one Sunday morning because Dad was in Victoria on business and dad’s girlfriend was going out so she had nowhere to go until 5 that evening.  I immediately suggested she come over.  Geni and she had been together with another group at a dance the night before and Haley wandered into our lives then.  She knows she is welcome anytime.

I must learn to better judge what to cook so I don’t overcater too much. I do believe the night was what Geni wanted.  I am thrilled and delighted for her.

These moments, this calm before the world opens and noise and life and doing consume me again, keep me sane.  I tend to get a little paniced before I hold a gathering as I fear not having enough. ( As if THAT would ever happen….)  Yet again we have two weeks food ready.  And the quiet that come sfrom exhausted little ones who are no longer so little.

Anyone for bacon and egg wraps?  or egg and mushrooms?  or fruit and yoghurt ? or berry smoothies?  or muffins?? And Wizzi - freshly brewed Illy coffee????

I wish you were all here at Casa de Coeur.

urely personal, of course. It is the build up to Geni’s birthday celebrations.  I worked all day yesterday and met her at a shopping centre just three trains tops from home.  She had her hair cut and styled, bought some credit, we looked for iPod earphones (but I was unwilling to pay $80 for some I know she will break within a week) and Leonnie’s second last text book for the year, plus I collected some groceries and party goodies.  I was already carrying a bag with my gifts for Geni ( or some of them; a quilt set and pillow cases; two new fitted undersheets in a decent thread count; some lime green baskets for organising her clutter)  So we ended up with two heavy bags and it becomes apparent she just doesn;t know how many girls are coming.

We trudged home ( those bags were heavy) and as the night wore on I decided to cook on the night (TONIGHT) and I told Geni that I would turn away at the door anyone who wasn;t invited.

I can’t come home early as Leonnie is meeting me at work after school and we will come home together.  And Geni is bringing some of these girls home with her.  mmmmm.  So I am looking around the place and it looks like fun.

Big deep breath Maggie.

I think this might be a day for one half an hour at a time?

Just remember this weekend was the girls’ weekend with their father (Dopey) but he was his normal self and drove them back to me as well.  So I did not have the opportunity to plan this well ( as I normally would).  this is all last minute and on the fly.

ANOTHER Big breath, Maggie.

I walked out this morning into a fog so heavy I could feel the droplets of water on my arms as I walked through it.  I knew before I had even made work that the blous late summer sun would have burned it away, but for this moment I pushed my way through the cloud-on-the-ground and thought how summer was packing herself for transport back to Bobby , who awaits her arrival so eagerly.

A spider web, perfectly round and jewelled with dewdrops shivered in the wake of each passing car….

A single perfect leaf hung seemingly in midair and drifted , doubtless hiding a hungry spider…

Good morning

Let’s see how much you remember!

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? No

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? yes I was.  We married in April in a home ceremony in Bombay ( now Mumbai) and legally at Tihar Court House in New Delhi India in November.  Mike was born in April the following year.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Delighted.

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Now I have seven children.  Do you think abortion was ever an option for me.  I am tempted to pull out my soapbox here; life is so precious that there must be a reason for each and every one of the,.  They were born for a reason so if I ended up pregnant it was meant to be.

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 19

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? My period didn’t arrive and then the symptoms started coming along

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? My husband

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? It wasn’t possible then although I secretly wnated a boy first.  You see I never had a brother and was the eldest so for my daughters I wanted an older brother.

9. DUE DATE? Mike was due May 30th and was born April 18th.

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? HECK YEAH! MORNING sickness?  Certain foods could set it off, or weather, or anything, at any time

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? kheema and pau.  grilled mackeral.

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? This gal named Cindy that lived in the dorm is the first person that comes to mind, then my parents…the big irritation was out of the picture, nowhere to be found, but eventually was. Had papers that had to be signed.

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD’S SEX? male

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? Never

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? Not many.  We were in India at the time and weight just fell away.  I still felt fat afterwards ( but what woman doesn’t) but had my figure back in no time.

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Nope

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? - No shower

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Not really

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Holy Family Hospital, New Delhi

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? IWe caught a third class train from Mumbai to New Delhi and I wen into labour as we arrived.  I was in labour three days and two nights and totally exhausted plus it was early.

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? A New delhi taxi driver

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? My husband

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? No

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 4 lb

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? April 18, 1978 at 7:05 am

30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Michael Arthur

31. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? 31 in April

In the last 24 hours I have deleted 15 offers for viagra and to improve my sex life, several comments in languages I do not recognise never mind am able to read/translate from dubious sites and bizarre email names, so please :

WHO EVER HAS THE WORDPRESS,COM API KEY may we somehow set it up and use it to filter with Akismet?

I spoke with Leonnie last night who is all excited about Geni’s party.  her father ( aka Dopey) has informed her that  we are swapping weekends but he has somehow neglected to let me know.  *shakes head sadly* .  This should not surprise me coming from a man who used two small girls to pass messages on and then punish them for not remembering.  Leonnie is aware only a gaggle of 13 and 14 year old girls will stay overnight . Her comment was “I guess you approached Geni differently” .

Nothing could be more true.  I have no need to posture here and I put the facts to her and let her decide, but I didn;t demand or dictate or lecture.  My facts, also, were highly motivating to lead to the correct result.  remember, I have had years of practice.

How did I end up with Dopey?  Tony often teases me about that.  If I think about it, it takes me back to raising a slew of kids single handedly.  No financial support, or any other kind, really and for the beginning of that journey my family also were antagonistic towards me.   So I had to knuckle down, figure out how to get back on life from where I had gotten off several years before only this time I had a bunch of kids in tow. Oh and somehow I had to work out how to keep a roof over our heads, pay the bills and couldn’t afford to grieve.    I postponed my mental breakdown until 2005 ( at that time 2005 was an arbitrary year way in the future somewhere…- I am talking the 1980’s here.)

I had been away from Australia for 9 years.  I had been in countries where western music was banned so I missed a decsde of western music ( although every wedding band seemed to play a mashed version of an Abba compilation and the Beatles and certainly didn’t differentiate between them!!).  Fast forward one University degree, several jobs, a love affair that showed me my heart was not dead as I initially thought, and I was still alone raising more kids than most people had hot dinners in a week.

I met Dopey through a mutual friend and ended up at a party at his place one Friday.  The next night he waited at my work and I must confess Dopey was my one attempt at a one night’s stand - except he didn’t go away.  He stayed.   I have to confess I don’t believe I ever loved him.  My older kids were in their teens at that time and got on quite well with him as he shared many of their interests; drinking, partying, boozy cricket matches and in truth I was so tired of being alone and shouldering all the load myself.

An old story.  I found myself pregnant ( again ) This was Geni by the way.. he got down on bended knee and I rationalised that I could live with his faults and this would provide a “stable” “normal” home for the older kids…(Yeah, right, ) and before we knew it, I was married and had my last two children one after the other.

When I found I had to get a second job when Iw as 5 months pregnant with Geni to just pay the bills the bubble burst.  I ended up working three jobs and he was spending faster than I could make money; a one way investment account with the TAB always chasing the illusive “winner”, drinking with his mates and cousins “networking” until all hours of the day or night expecting hot meals whenever he arrived home, filling the house with his deadbeat mates salivating over my teenage girls….plus working three jobs and with two small babies…. Oh did I mention that if I looked at him the wrong way when he had had a few ales I would get hurt?

Noone had raised a hand to me before in my life so this was a huge shock.  I was convinced that somehow it was my fault and my self esteem bottomed out.  Everyone else was happy and thought he was a hero taking on other men’s children.  Yeah.  Right.  If only that had been true.

To cut a long story short. I left.  Although I was in daily contact and truly believed everyone was better off without me,  I was only gone for three months and left the job I was doing and relocated back to Sydney and began the task of rebuilding relationships with my children.  And keeping them straight.  The money I had sent from the other city ( $1000 a week) was going on whatever he was spending it on).  There were times I would get calls telling me there was no food in the house and I would arrange for food to be delivered.

Here I made a huge mistake and should have asked him to leave the first time he hurt me.  I have paid in ways I cannot even begin to talk about for that mistake.

Many years have passed and this is all lessons learned and water under the bridge.  My family and I are closer than most, likely because we have chosen to be friends with each other as well as a family.  For anyone else who is going through hell and think it will never end, just remember my story and hang on.  Things change.  Just don’t give up.